Wellness After Grief and Loss

BY PATRICK J. PRESTON

The demands of a legal career lead many practitioners on a never-ending quest for a healthy balance of life’s priorities. In the midst of this pursuit, we may find ourselves pushing through personal challenges—particularly when experiencing the loss of a loved one. In times of loss, we often feel compelled to stay on top of workflows, but professional obligations provide only a temporary distraction from the intense experience of grief. Simply put, there comes a time when work must yield, and although the sense of loss may feel overwhelming, help is available for those who seek it.

Learning to live with or through grief is the first step on a journey into a world without your loved one and, when the time is right, for returning to the pursuit of your life interests and career. Support through established relationships such as family, trusted friends, close colleagues, clergy, or counselors may be the best approach for some, while others may choose a pathway of solitude and reflection or find a balance of both. A wellness program can complement these approaches.

Wellness programs provide short-term support for a variety of personal challenges such as addiction, anxiety, and job burnout, but such support may be overlooked when the acute need is rooted in grief after loss. Grief is a part of the human condition that takes its own course and is experienced in unique ways. The loss of a loved one in the middle of a heavy schedule of professional demands presents many difficult dilemmas. While there are no easy answers, a wellness program may provide a momentary break from work routines to focus on self-care. Short-term counseling, for example, can bridge loss, grief, and mourning to future perspectives that restore balance, celebrate the loved one, and lead to gratitude for times once shared. Fortunately, there are a number of options available to Washington practitioners.

For attorneys and law students experiencing challenges from grief and loss, the Member Wellness Program¹1 www.wsba.org/for-legal-professionals/member-support/wellness. is a free resource provided by the Washington State Bar Association. After an initial confidential consultation, individuals are eligible for three counseling sessions scheduled at their convenience. Referrals may be obtained for long-term professional support. Group therapy sessions are available for those looking to connect with peers who have lived similar experiences. Group discussion topics include tools for daily stability, knowing when to step away from your work, and showing self-compassion during personal challenges.

Many law firms and legal employers provide Employee Assistance Programs (EAPs) that similarly offer no-cost confidential assessments, short-term counseling, and referrals for follow-up services. Each federal agency has an EAP. In Washington, state and local entities have the statutory authority to develop voluntary public employee wellness programs. Given the importance of confidentiality, the Public Records Act provides a broad exemption protecting the personal information of these employees.

Throughout my legal career, I have been privileged to advocate for mental health awareness and treatment. I have represented clients living with mental health challenges that contributed significantly to legal consequences. I have advised higher education institutions to support mental health research and programs training the next generation of front-line clinicians and social workers. I have collaborated with a multidisciplinary group of volunteers to host a mental health symposium at the University of Washington on the topic of destigmatizing mental illness and community-based treatment options. And while I have often suggested wellness programs to colleagues who confided personal challenges, only recently did I have the opportunity to follow my own advice. I am glad I did.

After a beloved aunt passed away, my daily thoughts drifted to her outsized influence in my life, memories of joyful family gatherings, the home away from home she provided during my college years, and her remarkable strength and resilience in the face of loss. During this time of mourning, my father’s health was also in rapid decline, and I knew I would soon be carrying a double burden of grief. It was hard to imagine keeping up with professional obligations as that reality approached.

By chance, I received an email reminder about my employer’s EAP. While browsing the program’s website for grief support availability, I wondered if the EAP would truly be helpful for my circumstances. My aunt and father faced death in their mid-90s, and I had long anticipated their passings. At home, my family and I already were attuned to bravely facing loss together, having supported my spouse when her father passed during the pandemic. In my professional life, however, this process was more challenging. I was concerned about losing my focus in the office, where I was responsible for managing a legal team and carrying a heavy workload. More than once, I hesitated to move forward with EAP participation, discounting its potential benefits to my long-term wellness and productivity.

Although I cannot fully explain what drove my initial reluctance, the reasons may have had to do with vulnerabilities that are common barriers for legal professionals. As Deborah Rhode, a Stanford law professor and expert on the legal profession, has discussed, vulnerabilities commonly found among lawyers include intense competitiveness, heavy workloads, worries about job security, sleep deprivation, and a culture of near constant availability.²2 Deborah L. Rhode, “Managing Stress, Grief, And Mental Health Challenges in the Legal Profession; Not Your Usual Law Review Article,” 89 Fordham L. Rev. 2565, 2574 (2020). Rhode suggests that lawyers need to develop better strategies to assist themselves and their colleagues in identifying and coping with wellness problems arising from such vulnerabilities, and to work toward reducing the debilitating consequences of stigma so they can seek the help they need.

Ultimately, I decided that EAP support made sense for me whether it helped a little or a lot. Taking the plunge also aligned with my mental health advocacy. If nothing else, I knew it would be hypocritical not to seek help in my time of need, especially if stigma were a lurking factor. After returning from a gathering in the Midwest to celebrate my aunt’s life, I took the first steps forward. I filled out a simple online form, visited an intake booking page, and received confirmation with a secure video link. During my intake with a licensed counselor, I described my aunt’s recent death and the approaching end of my father’s life. The counselor asked what I hoped the EAP could provide. While I found this question initially difficult to answer, I shared my general desire to process my grief while managing my professional obligations. I was reassured to hear that program providers were experienced with these issues. After a few more background questions, I was paired with a counselor for three virtual sessions.

The day of my first session was hectic at work, and I began to think I would not be able to unwind enough to have a meaningful conversation. Fortunately, the EAP counselor was welcoming, unhurried, and focused. The convenience of our virtual session made me much more comfortable with the process. During our encounter, I shared more than I thought possible about my aunt and father, reflecting on their close sibling relationship—from childhood memories to their educational and career paths, to raising families, retiring, and eventually outliving their spouses by many years. I shared the simple joy I found in sending my father frequent deliveries of his favorite fresh blueberries and sugar cookies, especially since his skilled nursing facility was far away. I also expressed my concern about him having to undergo unnecessary medical treatments before shifting to hospice care. Having lost track of time, I was surprised when we reached the end of our session.

The counselor shared a few materials on grief—some that resonated more than others. I recognized familiar experiences in a list of common grief reactions that spanned mental, physical, emotional, social, behavioral, and existential realms. A description of the “tasks” of mourning included encouragement to adjust to a world without the deceased and to find ways to integrate memories while moving forward with life. A poem entitled “The Guest House” by the 13th century mystic and poet Rumi compared deep human emotions with unexpected visitors arriving at your doorstep and encouraged the reader to welcome them in and ultimately find gratitude for their presence and guidance.

Reflecting on the session, I felt a calm sense of relief. My remaining sessions were equally insightful and helped me better accept the loss of my aunt and reframe grief over the approaching death of my father by appreciating the arc of their lives and all we had shared together over the years. The counselor encouraged me to consider how grief changes the person left behind, the importance of planning meaningful remembrances, and thinking about what support might be beneficial for me in the future. Following this advice, I planned simple legacy acts—planting the packet of wildflower seeds I had brought home from my aunt’s celebration of life and attending a blueberry festival that my father would have enjoyed.

Fortunately, the losses I experienced were neither sudden nor traumatic, situations in which a greater level of support would be important. The short-term EAP sessions helped me focus on celebrations of life and gaining a deeper understanding of these relationships. After my father passed, I found comfort in the foundation of those sessions and the idea of living with intention to transform my grief. I had gained a new appreciation for explorations of grief, such as KEXP’s day of programming, “Music Heals,” Anderson Cooper’s podcast, “All There Is,” and poems such as “For Grief” by John O’Donohue.

Following my father’s death, I took a leave of absence with the support of kind colleagues at my former employer, the Washington State Attorney General’s Office, who stepped up to cover my duties. I embarked on a spontaneous road trip with my spouse to visit the Tree of Life, an aged spruce at Kalaloch Beach along the coastline of Olympic National Park. The gnarled tree, improbably growing in a carved-out section of the ocean bluff, had defied decades of erosion from a small stream under its exposed roots and buffeting by the Pacific and winter storms. Other visitors had left mementos nearby, including handwritten messages, flowers, and stone cairns stacked on driftwood. This timeless place, facing the vast expanse of the ocean on the edge of the continent, provided a deep sense of solace.

During the trip home, I used the much-needed downtime to browse photos, listen to my father’s voice and enjoy his expressions in dozens of old family videos, and fall into equal parts of sorrow and appreciation for his life. I knew that my visit to the Tree of Life was a symbolic first adjustment to a world without him, an indelible new memory to carry forward, a connection to the person I had lost.

When I returned to the office, I still had many days when feelings of loss found their way into my workflows. Acknowledging those expected feelings and taking breaks helped. And returning to the simple but profound insights from my EAP sessions enabled me to stay better connected to the loved ones I had lost. 

NOTES

1. www.wsba.org/for-legal-professionals/member-support/wellness.

2. Deborah L. Rhode, “Managing Stress, Grief, And Mental Health Challenges in the Legal Profession; Not Your Usual Law Review Article,” 89 Fordham L. Rev. 2565, 2574 (2020).

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